Sex and That Nasty Little Preposition

No, I’m not writing metaphorically....I mean it quite literally: a preposition!
Actually, it’s part of a much larger issue about the relationship between language and reality. So nouns and verbs and so on come into play along with prepositions. Simply put, the – dare I say – philosophical issue is this: Does language merely reflect and describe reality? Or, does it in some way create the reality in which we live? It does a little of both, you’re likely to say – and, and of course, you’d be right. But how, specifically, does this reflection and creation take place?

Good question....glad you asked!

Let’s take sex, for example.

What’s going on when people “have sex”? Well, first of all, they don’t “have” it like people “have a cold or the flu” or “have 50 cents.” So this phrase needs to be “unpacked” – as some linguists like to say. As it is, it’s just plain nonsense.

“Having sex”: even if it’s not literally describing something, isn’t it really pretty clear what kind of action is taking place? Isn’t someone just “making love to” someone else?

Maybe....but “making love”??? Is that like “making a basket” or “making a living” or “making ends meet”?? How do you “make” love, anyway? I know, I know...it’s a euphemism. But a euphemism for what? Intercourse?? Hmmm....come to think of it, this is a kind of euphemism itself? It refers to communication. How about just this simple Anglo-Saxonism: “fucking”! Surely, that’s what’s going on when people “make love”! When you’re “making love” you’re just “fucking”!

But, as we all know, “to fuck” is notoriously ambiguous...and the relationship among and between its various meanings is widely and heatedly debated. “to fuck” someone” is not the same as “to fuck with” someone or “to fuck someone over” to say nothing of urging someone “to fuck off” or even “to fuck up”! And ever if we restrict its meaning to sexual “congress” [another euphemism!], there’s still a key ambiguity: What exactly is happening when someone “fucks another person”?

Do the prepositions help at all?

· Fuck up
· Fuck off
· Fuck with
· Fuck over
· Fuck around

Should we add a direct object?

· Fuck you!

Or, should we put it in the passive voice?

· I was fucked!

Notice that none of these alternatives captures the typical meaning of sexual intercourse:

The insertion of the engorged penis into the vagina or an anus or perhaps the mouth [Bill Clinton’s protestations to the contrary notwithstanding] and excited by rhythmic movement until ejaculation takes place.

But, we know this: the introduction of a preposition renders a reference to sexuality either impossible or tortured, at best. “Fucking” is not getting us any closer to what goes on when someone “has sex with” someone else.

Back to square one?

I think not: “having sex with someone” may not be made clearer by focusing on the verbal phrase...but how about the preposition: “with”?!

Can you “have sex” and not do so “with” someone? Ok ok ok ok ok – sure you can. But masturbation is always “with” a fantasized person, right?? Nor do you do “do sex” other than “with” someone. “With” seems to be something special!

How about “making love with” someone and “making love to” someone?? Doesn’t this kind of describe pretty accurately what’s going on?

I think so....BUT.... these two prepositions do not describe the same reality! “With” suggests the participation of the two [or more] participants; whereas, “to” suggests passivity or being acted upon! Now, what’s involved with “with” [Egad....a Clintonianism!!] as opposed to “to” is the subject of another blog.

For now, I want to suggest that when someone approaches you with an offer “to make love,” you be very careful to notice what preposition is being used. You just might be able to assess whether it’s worth your while. A person’s intentions are more often than not revealed in the language they use.

I don’t know about you, but I’m a “with-it” kinda guy....